Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
