Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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