Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
