my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
