One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
