Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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