so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
