I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
