Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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