pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
