god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
