Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
