wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
