Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
