well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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