He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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