please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
