Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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