You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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