Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
