it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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