I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
