Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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