I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
