I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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