ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
