I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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