you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
