saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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