There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
