I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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