I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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