Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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