god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
