great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
