My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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