saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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