Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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