I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
