I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
