I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
