currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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