happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
