can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
