you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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