We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
