I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can't put those talents on a resume
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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