I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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