It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
