Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
