I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
