How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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