shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
