i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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