The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
