Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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